Eva For Hire?
by Worceracs
Summary: Imagine a world where Nerv is no longer the hand of Seele, but instead, is an independent paramilitary organization, who offer their services... to the private sector? An Evangelion Alternate Universe


_Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion or any characters used therein_

_Eva for Hire?_

_By Scarecrow_

_Chapter One_

_You Can Not be Serious_

It was a little known fact that Shinji Ikari was ticklish.

Ordinarily, that sort of problem would not be an issue for anyone laying outside in the grass, but Shinji was far from just anyone, and given the fact that it was in his best interest not to move and to remain silent, a bout of tickle induced hysterics would not be a welcomed thing.

A gust of windy blew playfully by, causing a dozen or so blades of grass to dance about his face, a few taking the opportunity to seek the sides of his neck.

Little known fact… Shinji Ikari was _extremely _ticklish.

He bit his tongue, having serious issues with the concept of not making a sound, but the playfulness of the grass did prove useful. It allowed his mind the chance to drift away from a more discouraging reality of his circumstance.

That being the biting winter air.

The wind seemed to wrap its way through his bones, chilling him to the core. It was only as bad as he allowed it to be, though. His suite did a good enough job keeping out the elements... it just wasn't designed with warmth specifically in mind.

He wouldn't die from hypothermia, which, when you have been waiting in near freezing temperatures for several hours, was a comfort in and of itself.

He tried his best to block it out.

_'Just how long have I been here' _He thought

He glanced down at the watch embedded in the polymers of his suite. The time glowed dully back at him in response to the question. Three twenty seven. Five hours since his sortie, a little under four hours since his last communication with command, and roughly three since he took position in this wind swept field.

Three twenty seven...

He was cold.

He bit a long blade of grass that grew zealous in its banter near his face.

Sure, he's waited longer then this for Misato to finally remember him, but she could have thought a little more about the conditions.

Let it not be said that Shinji Ikari was immune to sulking.

He looked at his watch again.

… …Three twenty nine...

In two hours time the sun would be up. That would take away some of the cold, but having to switch to a dawn entry could prove troublesome.

He surveyed the area for what was probably the hundredth time. According to Magi's report, there were seven guards. Four of which were directly in the confrontation zone, two stood patrol at the northern entrance, check in was every fifteen minutes, and a runner made rounds every hour. His own observations confirmed the report.

His current position sat roughly a hundred yards from the entry point, which was a service port to the compounds ventilation system. An approach out of darkness was always the preferred method, but with the inevitability of the rising son he would have to manage. Shinji was confident he could elude the majority guards, but one had a direct line of sight to his entry. Unfortunately, he would have to be silenced.

"Zero-Two...are you there." A feminine voice spoke from within his mind.

_'Yes Ma'am.' _Shinji spoke in thought.

"Sorry Shinji-kun, the Magi just finished the last sim."

He couldn't help but smile as he listened to his mentor, her voice always seemed to have the effect on him.

"We have the green light ... but your vitals are a bit low ... are you cold?"

_'Well, I have been sitting in this frozen field for a couple hours now.'_ he thought

"Oh my poor Shin-chan is freezing. If only I were there with you, I would make sure you stayed nice and warm."

Shinji couldn't help the sudden change in the hue of his face.

"Hey, your biometrics are picking up" Misato commented with a barely discernible chuckle. "Way to tough it out Shinji! I know you could handle a little cold."

It was but one in a lifetime full of embarrassments.

"By the way, we have a little surprise for you."

He was listening.

"I managed to squeeze seven minuets of optic camouflaged from R and D."

For the second time in as many minutes Shinji couldn't help but smile

"I knew you would like that." She chimed pleasantly. "Try not to exceed 2 minuets of optic camouflaged during your infiltration." Misato instructed. Shinji rose his head a bit from the blowing grass. It offered a slightly better vantage on the facility though he was significantly more visible, at least in his mind, it would have been difficult for anyone to see him without the aid of heat sensitive goggles.

"The magi will need a moment to jimmy the locking mechanism on the maintenance hatch. It shouldn't take more than a second, but were planning on every contingency. Be prepared to evade detection if need be." Misato inquired.

_'Yes ma'am'_

"That's my boy." Shinji heard a brief discussion in the background before Major Katsuragi voice came through once again. "Okay, Shin we're going to terminate neuro-transmission until you have completed the infiltration…Good luck." And with that the connection died.

"Thanks Misato" he whispered back to the silence.

Sneaking down from his perch he moved into position. Placing his hand over his ear he waited for the guard to report in.

_'Three, two, one ..._' he counted down in his mind

"Watchman four, report in" came the command.

As the guard looked down to press the call button on his radio Shinji went into action. The optic camouflaged caused him to fade from view leaving only the view of wind swept grass where he stood. He launched himself from his waiting position and speed towards facility, eyeing the barbed enclosure that lay before him with mild interest.

_'Well that's the first logistics error of the night.'_ He thought absently to himself.

Recon reported a ten foot razor wire enclosure around the facility. At present he was running towards what had to be twenty foot high fence at least.

He only had one opportunity to get this right and he had no intention of asking for a redo. Several yards away from the structure he willed his muscles within the suite and launched his body through the air, sleeking his form to avoid wind resistance. He was up and over easy enough, but the tricky part was yet to come. Stretching out his palms to break his fall, he made contact with the ground. In one fluid motion, he tucked his head and bent his elbows in, rolling his body into the fall. The cold, hard concrete welcomed him back from his short lived flight, his back absorbing the jilting force.

Using the momentum generated from his descent he pushed himself from the ground, and resumed his previous sprint ignoring the subtle pain that throbbed throughout his body.

The optics didn't disengage, which was a relief. He could recall horror stories from field operatives who were deep in and their optics crapped out on them. Several modifications later, no one has yet to complain, but the seed of doubt was already sewn. But Shinji was the last person who would make complaints about their Technology. He was, after all, a Zeroed Agent.

Okay, so now he was in... In with a good seventy eight seconds left.

He moved quickly under the guise of his stealth camouflage. Moments later he was at the entry point affixing the small transparent _cipher_ to the base of the panel. The _cipher_ would allow the Magi access to the locking mechanism. He heard the welcomed hiss of service panel releasing. He slipped effortlessly into the shaft.

"Ninety seven seconds, not bad Shinji-kun" Misato praised. "Go ahead and make your way to the descent point, and I'll brief you on the new infiltration."

_'New infiltration' _Shinji wondered back to his superior.

"Yeah, we had to change the approach, don't worry it's nothing complicated."

(oO-Oo)

Shinji didn't have that much trouble as he navigated the ventialtion system. He shifted and turned his way down through the network of ducts to his descent point, a shaft that ran to the sub-level of the base. Misato had drilled the hundreds of twist and turns of the network into his mind prior to sortie.

"So here's the plan. Security in the shaft on the sub level is nil, except, of course, at the entry to Delta Wing. There you will find a laser grid blocking your path. It's sightless with active moving sensors, so all and all, a huge headache. The Magi gives someone of your stature and mobility a twenty seven percent chance of evasion."

_'Those aren't very good odds Misato.'_

"I know, that's one of the reason I squeezed R and D for the stealth. We worked out a new entry. The Magi put this one in at a ninety four percent success rating, but I do have a question that I have to ask."

_'What's that?'_

"How do you feel about Cross Dressing?"

_'What?' _

"You don't have to yell Shinji."

_'Sorry.'_

"Anyway, Instead of going through the laser grid, you're going to infiltrate the general storage area, steal a women's uniform, steal the key card, _then_ sneak into the restricted area. The later portion of the operation remains unaffected, so there's nothing new there. All and all it's safer operation this way."

_'But, why a womans uniform.'_

"There aren't many five foot nine, one hundred and twelve pound male soldiers at this facility. But there are a few females fitting that description. Better chances we'll find something that you can fit in their uniforms."

_'But it won't fit right Misato... I don't have the... you know... parts.'_

"It's better to look a little awkward that extremely awkward. Besides, Ritsuko said that she had something worked out to make up for some of the smaller details."

For some reason he didn't like the sound of that last part.

"You're only be wearing them for a few minuets. They'll be on and off in no time."

_'but a women's uniform?'_

"It'll be fine. Shinji. Don't make it into such a big deal. Clothes are Clothes right? It doesn't matter who's wearing them, it's what's inside that counts?"

_'But a womens uniform?' _

"This _is_a direct order. Are you disobeying a direct order Operative Ikari?"

_'No Ma'am' _Shinji answered sharpley.  
_  
_"I didn't think so. Besides I'm sure you'll have fun, if you relax and enjoy the experience."

Shinji Deadpanned.

"Oh, don't be such a prude."

_'Can this possibly get any worse' _he thought to himself.

"Anyway…" Misato continued. "after you gain entry, you should find a spare uniform in the storage facility next to the general barracks. Get the uniform, return to the ventilation, ducts and proceed to the executive suites. Previous reconnaissance tells us that the sub commander is a bit of an earlier riser, if he isn't all ready in the showers, he will be soon. Disable him in such a way that you can make it look like an accident. Slip and fall in the shower or something like that, then grab his key card. It will give you access to Delta wing and the communication hub. Now when you leave the executive quarters the hall you will be on will lead directly to the security corridor of Delta wing. You need to get down that hall way and place a c_ipher_ on the panel fifty meters to the right of the door. That panel is the only access we have to the monitoring link. It's a stand a lone system so you need to get that cipher on the panel or the Magi can't access it. After that we can register a profile for you in the system, but you have to move fast, you only have an estimated seven seconds to get to the panel and attach the cipher from when you enter the hallway before the security is alerted. If that happens, it will turn ugly fast, so remember, be relaxed, be quick, and above all else be feminine."

Shinji nodded his head to no one particular _'relaxed… quick… feminine… got it'_.

"If you don't raise suspicions the door should come open when you approach with the card key. From that point turn right, at that corner is a nice little blind spot so slip back into optics and head to the Delta wing. Once in there you're going to plant the final cipher, which is the primary objective, and as a nice little by product of your efforts, the Magi will have complete access to the security network, and our first order of business is to turn off that laser grid in the vent shaft, so, head back into the ventilation system. I'll guide you back to the executive quarters to return the key card. Finally, it's off to the elevator shaft. Ritsuko will send it back up and away we go. If every thing goes to plan you'll have 3 min left of stealth. You should be able to exit the engagement zone with that right Shin-kun."

_'Yes ma'am'_

She made it all sound so easy, but in a way it was… and he didn't need to kill anybody which was a pleasant thought.

He looked down the vent shaft in front of him. Their wasn't much to see, but he could hear the sound of an impressively large fan spinning angirly below in the darkness.

_'I'm at the descent point.'_

"Okay, Go ahead and set up the cable." Misato replied.

Shinji reached over the edge to a fix the CRD cable when the draft of the fan below pulled at him. It wasn't all that powerful, especially within the P.L.U.G. suit, but it was disconcerting none the less.

'Can you go ahead and stop the fan Misato, it's pulling at my arm.'

"Umm, we're not stopping the fan Shinji."

_'...'_

"Shinji you there."

_'What do you mean you're 'not going to stop the fan'?'_

"We don't have total control of the system yet. If we just stopped the fan, It would raise flags. Best case scenario a technician would go to check it out, worst case the whole complex would get locked down."

_'So what am I supposed to do?'_

"What do you mean?"

_'We'll I can't just jump down in to a spinning fan of death can I.'_

"Why not?"

_'Why NOT? Because I'll get chopped up into a million pieces Misato, that's why.'_

"Stop being such a dram queen Shinji. Do you think I would let anything happen to my special guy."

'If by special guy you're referring to me, then yes, as it stands right now, I do think you would let something happen to me.'

"You...you don't trust me." He could hear voice catch in her throat.

Shinji felt a wave of guilt wash over him as he listened to his mentor's grieved voice.

"I'm sorry Misato… I didn't... I mean… I do trust you."

"R...really."

_'Yes Misato.'_

"Great, now go ahead and set up the cable and prepare for descent."

Okay...now he felt like an ass.

He affixed the anchor of the device to the ceiling in silent anger. Sure, it was far from the first time that he had been manipulated by Misato, but this was neither the time nor the place. He was engaged, and she played games like this. It was simply uncalled for.

He attached the CRD cable to the Harness of his suite, and pushed from the shaft. He now hung over the darkness suspended only by a thin steal line.

"Okay Shin, remember, 'Straight as a board.'"

Shinji battled his mind not to reply. He was still quite furious at Misato, but that by no means permitted insubordination. He manipulated his body as she requested. No sooner had he done this, he felt the CRD release sending him into the dark abyss and the waiting Fan blades.

CRD or 'Controlled Rapid Descent' was nothing more than a glorified free fall, and as Shinji accelerated down the shaft to the fan below several thoughts crossed his mind. Chief of which was how much he hated Misato right now, but a close second to that was how much he hated Ritsuko... and the Magi for that matter, hell, he may as well throw in all of Nerv... It was their fault that he was falling to his impending doom at the hands of Steel Fan blades... No they were probably titanium. Yes, Titanium, a good, light weight, sturdy metal. Titanium would cut through flesh and bones and not drop a single RPM, a quick death to be sure. Painless? Certainly not, but blinding pain that lasted only seconds wasn't so bad to him.

Good old titanium blades.

...well Shinji hoped they were titanium.

He looked down into the darkness below. The sound of his death grew louder and louder in his ears. It was then that the most depressing thought that Shinji has ever had in his entire, yet soon to end, life crossed his mind.

He was going to die. But that, alone was not all that disheartening to the young man. No, the fact of the matter was that he was going to die an un-kissed virgin. Now Shinji was by no means a pervert, and his thoughts of the opposite sex were few in number and quite tame in quality. But he was a man none the less and he felt shame in the fact that he never so much as kissed a girl. It was almost enough to make him cry... almost.

It was then that he felt an extremely ungentle tug from The CRD impeding his descent, which was followed by a subtle snap as the cable detached from his harness.

'Well that was unexpected.'

"KEEP STRAIGHT." Misato yelled… he instantly complied.

He looked down to see the huge fan under his feet, but strangely enough, it seemed to be malfunctioning. Sparks flew from the turbine as it moved about in a jerking motion. And so it happened, on one such palpitation, that Shinji managed to slip between two blades of the fan.

He landed in a heap below.

He looked up at the fan.

It looked fine, spinning furiously above. The jerking and sparks all but a memory.

He looked down at his body.

He was in one piece.

He looked back at the fan.

…then back at his still intact body.

This process contiued for the next five minuets.

_...how about that...I'm alive?'_

"Of course you are Shin-Chan, Did you really think that I would let you die an un-kissed virgin." Misato tried her best to contain her laughter. Unfortunately her best wasn't quite good enough. "You know we can work on that If you want when you bet back... but be gentle with me Shinji, I'm a delicate flower."

"Yeah, delicate as razor wire." Shinji heard a voice whom he assumed was Ritsuko, in the back ground.

"YOU SHUT YOUR FACE." Misato yelled

'…So where to' Shinji asked.

"Follow the vent north for about twenty yards and then you'll see a vent heading west. Follow that vent until you see a grate. That's the Storage room"

Following Misato's directions he made his way to the grate and slipped silently into the storage room.

(oO-Oo)

Rei Ayanami looked at the dark liquid that resided in her tea cup. Earl Grey. Not her ideal tea to start the day but a safe choice none the less. Actually, she was rather pleased to see that this little diner had anything other than orange pekoe, and given the choice, her bid went to Earl Grey, though Jasmine was by far her favorite.

She took a gentle sip being sure not to burn herself.

Hmm, Not to strong and an adequate temperature. The subtle sour flavor of the bergamot bathed her mouth.

It was rather good. If there was anything in the world that Rei Ayanami loved, it was a well steeped cup of tea. Unfortunately obtaining such was almost an impossibility outside of her own merits. Too often she had forced down tea that was over steeped or served entirely too hot. Tea leaves were a sensitive thing. Few people understood this, which didn't surprise her. Gentleness and craftsmanship were things that were becoming foreign concepts within today's society. The quickest method automatically became the most efficient, and in this, quality always suffered.

With tea there is so much more than just sitting tea leaves in hot water. Too hot and the leaves are damaged, altering the flavor. Too cool and the true flavor of the tea is not released from the leaves. Even when the temperature is correct care must still be taking in steeping. Not long enough the tea is weak and watery, too long and the flavor is overpowering, and in the case of Earl Grey, extremely bitter. She took another sip. Yes, this was a well made cup of tea. Now if it wasn't for the ranting of the red headed woman in front of her, she could truly enjoy her breakfast.

"...I don't see how they can let that idiot do solo ops while were stuck with this tandem operative crap. We're Zeroed agents too, we can handle solo operations. Not to mention that we have ten times the combat ability that he does"

Rei looked passively across the table at her operational partner. It was entirely too early for this.

Asuka pointed an accusing fork in the direction of her blue haired partner.

"Are you even listening to what I'm saying?"

"I was trying not to."

Asuka stared at her partner.

"I'm in no mood for sarcasm Wonder girl."

A light blue eyebrow rose gently at the statement.

"Sarcasm?"

"Real funny." Asuka rolled her eyes and began hacking away at her flapjacks. "Anyway he's like an idiot savant. No skill, no elegance, no tact… he's just manages to have the best synchronization rate in his P.L.U…"

Rei looked out the window beside her. The sun was coming up and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. All the makings for another hot day. She reminded herself to apply sun block in the car. The last thing she was in the mood for was another burn. They were...inconvenient. Other than the pain the peeling was unattractive and very annoying. Now Rei was far from vain but that was not to say she didn't take pride in her appearance. Besides, who doesn't want to get complimented from time to tim...

"Rei!"

"Yes?"

"Pay attention."

"I am paying attention."

"Pay attention to me, Rei."

Rei's eyes finally shifted from the window to Asuka.

She stared blankly at Asuka.

"You're making it hard for me to _not_want to beat the living shit out of you Rei."

Rei sipped the contents of her stone ware tea cup.

"That statement was intended as an act of intimidation, correct."

Asuka moaned. "I said I wasn't in the mood for this Rei. Listen to what I am saying"

"You believe that Shinj is ill qualified to run solo operation, considering the fact that other Zeroed operatives, such as yourself and I, who, as you say 'superior in skill', still work missions in tandem."

"Well...yeah."

Rei took another sip of her tea.

"Well... Doesn't it piss you off?"

"No." Rei looked across the table at her partner "Actually I don't see how that even affects you… It is only for us to complete the missions that are assigned. That is all we can do."

"But doesn't it make you wonder about Command. I mean if they're sending Shinji off to do God knows what, by himself, how competent can they be right."

"The Position of operative Ikari is not one that I thought you would envy."

"I don't envy the stoodge. I just know that I can do a better job than him."

"I see." Rei looked over her cup at the woman across from her. "You do also realize that when Shinji sorties he does so with tactical commands monitoring him. He may be alone in the field but there are dozens of eyes watching his every move"

"That proves my point. If it were me they wouldn't need Ritsuko, the magi, and the Bridge Tech All-Stars to baby-sit."

"It is not an issue of skill which mandates Shinji's surveillance. He is fitted with the type R equipment. Type R requires that all vital signs are monitoring…and neuro link communication."

Asuka couldn't help the shiver that ran down her spine. She hated type R equipment. Those damn nano machines they injected in you took days to clear your system. Just knowing that command had the capability to see and hear everything that you did was bad enough. But with the neuro-link they even knew what you were thinking, and that was just going too damn far.

Rei sat the stone ware cup on its saucer, a small smirk crossing her normally placid lips.

"I do, however, think that your resentment of Shinji stems from another issue."

Asuka paused from her delicate butchring of her breakfast and offered her partner and inquisitive stare.

"And that is?"

"You resent the fact that he has yet to ask you out."

"What!" Asuka yelled spraying the contents of her mouth across the table. Rei expertly dodge a bit of, of what she presumed to be sausage, and convered her tea cup.

Honestly, sometimes, it was just too easy.

"First of all what self respecting woman would let that perverted idiot tie her shoe, much less go out with him… Secondly, that coward would never… _NEVER…_ have the courage to ask a woman out.

Using a napakin from the dispencer under the window Rei began to clean her side of the table of the little particles of food.

"Shinji has asked me out before." She stated matter factly.

Asuka stared at Rei.

"It was before you transferred from Germany."

"You dated the stooge?"

"No, I did not accept."

"You see that's exactly what I'm talking about. He's Un-date-able."

"I didn't refuse him because I do not enjoy his company." She looked out the window at the steadily rising sun. "There are things he's unaware of that would make a romantic relationship between us..."

_'disturbing'_

_'illegal'_

__

_'incestuous'_

_...she settled for awkward_

"If things were different perhaps, but not the way things are."

"Whatever. You're missing the point. Shinji is a socially inept loser."

"Asuka, Shinji is not the person that you're constantly trying to portray him as. No one is falling for your pretense."

"And what does that mean?"

"It means what I said Asuka," She resumed drinking her tea. "no more and no less."

She would have to remember to thank the waitress before she left, the tea was delicious.

(oO-Oo)

"Oh … you look so cute."

This wasn't happening… Shinji looked in the mirror at disturbing form in front of him. He looked… like a woman…not only that but a reasonably attractive woman. By some bit of strange science, Ritsuko augmented the suits concussive response dampers to make him appear…._curvaceous._

What shred of masculinity he had left from years of abuse from Misato were slipping away quickly. He could only imagine the hazing he would recieve from Touji and Kensuke if they ever found out.

"Ritsuko can you get a picture of this. I have to have this one for my album."

'_Oh Dear God No' _

(oO-Oo)

"So what's on the agenda for today, anyway." Asuka looked over from the behind the wheel. The sun shining through the windshield caused Asuka to wear her sunglasses. Rei simply averted her eyes.

"Retrieval of a package, one briefcase weighing roughly three kilograms, and its transporter, also, the eradication of any and all hostiles."

"Visibility."

"Moderate, or as you say, 'go in, go boom, get out.'"

"Targets."

"Unknown, we lost contact with the transporter two days ago, but his most recent report indicates two."

"The transporter is an informant?"

"In a sense, yes."

"So including the snitch, there's potentially three aggressors."

"If by snitch you mean the transporter then yes, but in that regard you may also include the package making it four."

"The package won't be shooting at us."

"Neither will the Transporter."

"You can't trust a snitch, Rei. What if he feels guilty when we start blasting away his friends. He's a potential aggressor."

"This informant isn't."

"How are you so sure."

"He is one of ours."

"An Agent?"

"Yes"

"Who"

"Bravo-Six"

"Kensuke!" Asuka rolled her eyes behind her shades. "I'd like to shoot that pervert for general principle alone."

The girls were quite as the rode along in the convertible

"And I don't say that."

"You don't say what?"

"Go in, go boom and get out."

"I believe you said it last week during operational review."

Asuka looked up from behind the wheel.

"...Well maybe, but what other time have I said it other than then?"

"I do not recall."

"Because I've never said it before."

"But you have said it."

"That's not the point. Saying something once does not allow you to say that I 'say' it."

"But," Rei looked from the window over to Asuka "you did say it."

"Yes but not all the time."

"How is that relevant?"

"It's... It's like you're misrepresenting me. People think that I would say something that I wouldn't say."

"I could see where that would be disconcerting... but you did say it so that argument is invalid."

"But I don't say it often."

"This is correct. But I did not say that you say it often."

"But the way you said it implies that I do."

"I do not understand."

"When you say 'like so and so says' it implies that they will say it in the future, which alludes to the fact that they say it frequently enough for you to say with certainty that It will be said again."

"Did you not say it again?"

"No, I only said it at the stupid meeting."

"I believe you said it less than a minute ago."

Asuka looked up from behind the wheel, she paused.

"Are you trying to piss me off."

"You _have_ been making it easy for me recently."

The sound of wind once again dominated. It only lasted a moment.

"So do you have an approach in mind." Asuka looked over from the wheel at Rei who was once again staring out the window.

"Enter the apartment, eliminate the targets, and exit with transporter and package intact."

"Direct and to the point, But wouldn't you rather do something fun."

"Why."

"I don't know. To break the monotony."

"No, no I would not."

"You're such a prude."

"If being a prude means not taking unnecessary risks that could get me killed then yes, I am a Prude."

"Now that I think about it, you never do anything fun. On duty you're all business. And I almost never see you leave the geo-front. I bet you just stay locked up in your apartment all day."

"I have fun."

"When I say fun I mean something enjoyable that involves human interaction."

"..." Rei looked back out the window. "Fun is over rated."

"When we get back we're going to go out on the town."

"..."

"We're going out, we are going to hit some clubs, and we're getting you drunk."

"None of the things you mentioned sound 'fun' to me."

"Don't care, we're hitting the town if you like it or not Rei."

"Does that not defeat the purpose?"

"Not at all. I'm acting in you're better interest here. Once you're out there, you'll lighten up and have a blast in no time."

"Somehow I doubt it."

"No partner of mine is going to be a damn closet hermit."

"What is a closet hermit?"

"Some one who never goes out. They just stay inside all day and read and stuff."

Rei looked at her partner then back at the window.

"I can reacquisition the reassignment papers when we arrive back at headquarters."

(oO-Oo)

"I don't see why we didn't just sell it in the beginning like we were going to."

"We're still going to sell it, just not to Nerv."

…Kensuke Aida was not one who took pleasure in studying human nature…

"And why aren't we selling it to Nerv."

"Because, We can get more money. Don't you get it?"

…And Psychology was never a subject that he had interest in…

"Don't get me wrong man, I'm all for getting more money, But if we're not selling it to Nerv, who are we sellin' it to."

"Look I'll talk to a friend of mine. He could find us buyer that'll pay us twice as much as they were going to."

…But every so often events would take place…

"But what if your buddy can't find a buyer."

"He'll find a buyer."

…That Caused him to contemplate not only the thought process of his fellow man…

"But what if, Man. I like to cover my If's."

…But their competency as well….

"Well, then maybe we can still sell it to Nerv."

…This was one of those times.

"Just how the hell can you guys be that stupid?" Kensuke looked up from the magazine that he was pretending to read. He had been listening to the conversation that prattled on much like the dozen other conversation the duo had had in the last forty eight hours. Suffice it to say, he was a tad annoyed and a little stressed.

"What did you just say." The two looked at each other then back at Kensuke.

"You heard me. You guy's don't even have a plan. In this business you don't screw your employer and expect to live unless you have a damn good plan."

"We have a good plan."

"No, I had a good plan. That's why we have the case. And all you had to do was be dutiful hired hands and fulfill your obligation. You would have had a pay day and I could be sitting at home with a Heineken watching Walker Texas Ranger with Thumper. But that wasn't good enough for you, you had to get greedy, and to be fair, I don't mind greedy. Shit, I'm greedy, but you're not only greedy, you're stupid, and that's just unacceptable."

"Watch it man we ain't stupid… Were going to make serious jack of this thing."

Kensuke looked at the man in disbelief.

"HELLO. You have a case. A case that you have no idea what's inside of. Who the hell is going to pay the money you're asking for when they have no idea _WHAT_ they're paying for, this ain't some mystery bag at a county fair."

Kensuke pushed the glasses up on his nose, and made an attempt to calm down.

"Look, to be honest, I could care less what you two do. But you're forcing me to tag along on this idiotic joy ride. This was supposed to be a cake assignment, and you turned it into a three week long nightmare."

One of the men raised his hand timidly.

"You have got to be shittin' me." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "What?"

The man looked around to see if there was some one behind him, as if they werent' the only three in the little room. Kensuke was far from impressed.

"Talk!" He barked causing the man to jump in his seat.

"W…Who is Thumper?"

"What...? Thumper's my pet cat."

"Look man, you really should calm down. You're going to get an ulcer if you don't learn to mellow out." One of the gones stated motherly.

"Yeah, you shouldn't get mad over something like this."

"Mad? I'll admit I'm agitated, but I'm not mad... You would already be dead if I were mad."

Awkward silence filled the cramped little apartment as Kensuke starred down his two 'accomplices'.

It was a silence that was soon broken.

"Hey, I have an Idea."

"Oh, I can't wait to hear this." Kensuke flopped backward in his chair.

"Maybe we can sell it back to the Yakimoto Group."

Kensuke looked up in disbelief. "Back to the guys we stole it from?"

"Yeah."

In all honesty, his actions were not premeditated, but when he realized it, it was already too late. His pistol was in his hand, the tell tale wisp of blue smoke drifting lazily to the ceiling. He looked at the two men, now corpses laying on the floor, blood soaking the already filthy carpet on which they laid.

"Well so much for waiting for back up."

(oO-Oo)

Kensuke threw another batch of eggs in the trash, he was going to make omelets, real chef style omelets. He made those fake ones before where you don't really flip it just move eggs around until it's all cooked. That was not what he wanted. He wanted to make an omelet perfectly round and uniform. One that he flipped perfectly in the air.

It wasn't really the omelet that was the problem, it was his pride. He had seen Shinji do the damn thing, and so, of course Kensuke should be able to. Never mind the fact that Kensuke didn't have the culinary experience as aforementioned Shinji.

Needless to say he was a bit disappointed when his first attempt sent egg flying throught the air and onto the walls. Now, ten eggs later, he was on his last chance. He poured the eggs into the pan and watched it solidify.

So far so good.

This time he wouldn't stir the eggs in the pan, he would just wait a little longer until they firmed up and then he would flip them...right...about...

A loud knock on the door broke his concentration.

"One moment." He yelled from the kitchen, he was absorbed in the eggs as he prepared to flip. With handle in hand he gave a stiff jerk and toss causing the omelet to twirl in the air.

The Sound of the door exploding in on his hinjes diverted him from his culinary exercise. He looked up in time two see, two women entered the apartment wielding side arms, the two man button hook.

"Rei"

"Kensuke"

"Red Devil."

"Pervert"

The two women lowered their weapons. Kensuke holsterd his own... he wasn't sure exactly when he drew it.

Asuka looked at the two bodies, each had a sizable whole in their forehead.

"Looks like someone threw the party early."

"I lost my temper a little."

"If this is you losing you temper a little, I suggest you seek anger management or something."

"Interesting," Rei returned her firearm to it's holster. "perhaps you should consider you own advice."

"Shut up Rei." She left the two corpses. Blood was every where, and where there was no blood a stains of questionable origins resided instead.

Kensuke looked down to see his omelet lying face down on the stove.

"Shit..." he poked the yellow mass with his spatula. "Oh well." with a scoop of his spatula he dumped the heap into the pan.

Scrambled eggs were just as good as omelets.

"So, where's the case." Asuka asked stepping over yet another pool of blood.

"It's in the back room, I'll get it in a minute."

"Get it now, I want to get the hell out of here."

"Can't now, it's irresponsible to leave food unattended when cooking. You could start a fire. Didn't you see that episode of Good Times."

"I believe in the episode you're referring too, the apartment caught on fire because Micheal left a dish towel by a stove that was on, not because food was left unattended while cooking." Rei interjected.

Kensuke looked up in thought while his right hand still busily stirred, trying to salvage the mess of eggs. "Well, Family ties then."

"There wasn't a fire episode in Family Ties."

"I know there's been a T.V. somewhere that there was a fire because someone left food on the stove... Punky Bruster maybe?"

"I don't know, I've never seen it." Rei offered with shrug.

"Really now? Well I have all of three seasons back at my place, you want to watch them together sometime?"

"Perhaps" She said with a small smile.

Now this was just creepy.

"Rei quit talking about craptastic television, and Kensuke go get the fucking case."

He looked over at Asuka.

"let me finish my eggs."

"Put that crap in a to-go bag or something we don't have time for you to fix a continental breakfast"

"Look Red, I suggest you busy yourself while I finish my breakfast, call a clean up crew, go for a jog, do something, but what ever you do, get out of my face, I've had a frustrating morning."

Oddly enough Asuka did just that. Storming out the room with out so much of a backward glance, Although German swears could be heard as she went. He was surprised that worked, but he would defiantly take it. He looked over at Rei.

"You put up with that everyday?" He motioned to spot that her partner stood moments before.

"Yes."

"How do you do it?"

"...Constant Prayer."

"Ahhhh"

(oO-Oo)

"Get you're Dirty Nasty feet off my Seats." Asuka yelled behind her as she drove down the Highway.

"You can kiss my ass."

"If you want, you can walk _your ass_ all the way to Tokyo-2, But if you're ridding in my car you're going to get you dirty nasty beat up van's off my clean leather seats."

"First of all these aren't vans they're DC's, secondly, these seats ain't clean, there's chips and shit all over back hear."

"WHAT?" Asuka looked in the back causing the convertible to swerve across two lanes of traffic. Car horns blared in reaction as while Kensuke burst into a fit of laughter.

"You're like the King of Prick, you know that?."

"When you think about it, that's a complement."

"You now what else is like a compliment? You're goofy bespectacled ass hitch hiking to Headquarters, because I'm about to throw you out of this car. Now get you're feet off my seats."

Kensuke swung his feet over to the floor. He knew from experience how far he could push the red head before she would explode and he was fast approaching that mark, quiet faster than usually. Actually he could tell there something wrong with her since earlier this morning. What exactly he didn't know, and quite frankly he didn't care, as long as it didn't involve him.

Millions of men have drove themselves crazy trying to figure out women, probably a thousand or so more trying to figure out this particular one. He would learn a lesson from the dead and not tread in matters that were better left alone. Besides, there were more pressing matters at hand.

"Hey Asuka, we need to stop at a gas station or something."

"Why."

"Bathroom."

"Why didn't you go before we left."

"Doesn't matter. gotta go now."

"Can't you hold it."

"Look, If you don't want actual shit on your seats then you need to pull over."

"Fine."

Asuka drove to the nearest gas station. Before the car could stop, Kensuke jumped out of the back and ran towards the restroom. At the door he discovered the bathroom was locked. He then ran inside the convenient store and, after a few minutes shaking his fist and yelling at the attendant, exited with a hub cap connected to a three foot chain. He then ran back to the restroom, grabbing the back portion of himself as he ran.

After taking a moment to appreciate the humor of his antics Rei decided that she to should use the facilities as well.

"Where are you going."

"To the Bathroom."

"Could you do me a favor and bring me back some Twinkies."

"Yes."

"Thanks Rei."

Asuka continued to fill up on gas as her blue haired partner disappeared from sight. She finished fueling up fairly quickly and got back into her car.

And so, Asuka was alone.

Alone in her car.

Alone in her car for five minutes...

...ten minutes...

...fifteen minutes...

Alone

…in her car.

"..."

"..."

"..."

Many things could be said of Asuka Langley Sohryu. That she was a patient and understanding person was not one of them.

"Where the hell are Rei and Kensuke?"

She began to fidget. The walls of the convertible began to shrink in on her. She had to get out of this damn car. True, It was against protocol to leave a package unattended, but this was an emergency.

..She was bored.

Besides who knew the package was inside her car. She could leave it and no one would know better. They had been driving for nearly three hours, they had no tails, and if there was a hostile presence after the case they would have made there move when Kensuke and those two numbskulls had their hands on it not with two Zero's and a Bravo had possession.

But most importantly, Asuka was almost certain that Rei would bring her back Twinkies, and she didn't want Twinkies, she was in a _Zinger_ mood.

She left the car and went into the convent store, making a be line for the snack food Isle. They still had another two hours to go, no harm in getting a few extra munch-ables for the ride as well. It wasn't long before Rei stood beside her.

"Asuka"

"Hmmm"

"You are not with the car."

"That's very observant of you Rei."

"Why are you not with the car."

"Got bored."

"Do I need to list you all the reason why you should be with the car right now."

"Relax, it won't be a problem. Besides I only been gone for a second. What could go wrong."

It was then that they heard tires squeal and the Irate voice of Kensuke. Rei and Asuka ran outside.

"You Psycho Nazi Bitch, I'm gonna fucking kill you when I get back to HQ."

"My car."

Kensuke looked behind him to see a fuming Asuka and Rei quietly opening up her cell phone.

"Wait, If you're here. Who the fuck is in your car."

"A Dead man."

"Fair enough." Kensuke sat down on the side walk. They were going to be there for a while so he may as well make himself comfortable. "Oh, and sorry about the whole psycho nazi bitch thing… I was in my dark place."

(oO-Oo)

End Chapter One

(oO-Oo)

Author Ramblings:

Hey, guys. I had this one bouncing around in my head and it kind of took off running…fortunately for me (and unfortunately for most of you guys) I have a laundry list of Idea's that I want to run through for this story… but It'll be done more along the lines of independent chapter modules then a consistent plot with continuity… was that a redundant statement, a better question is did it even make sense? Anyway, this might turn into a monthly updated fic… I don't want to take away from Iris, which I really want to make a weekly update thing. But I guess it just depends on how jacked up my life is at the moment. Oh, and a word about reviews, I love them so feel free to drop one if you like, but you don't need to feel obligated either.

Anyway

Tootles,

-scarecrow


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